Let’s Take a Moment to Talk Culture Shock

So in between all this holiday cheer (because I have more holiday posts coming!), I wanted to take some time to talk about homesickness and culture shock because, let’s face it, even the veteran expats are probably getting a little homesick this time of year.

I saw this video come up on ExpatInDenmark.com the other day.

It’s a good video, and I like the way it succinctly describes something called the “culture shock curve.” But ever since watching it I can’t really stop thinking about it. Because I don’t think that this really describes my experience so far as an expat. (All 4.25 months of it.)

The traditional culture shock curve looks like this:

I drew my own based on the video because I can’t find a simple one that I like online.

It’s important for non-expats – for family and friends who are left behind – to understand that there are these multiple periods of culture shock instead of just the one initial period. Because from afar the expat life can seem like one big exciting adventure. You can see how there would be an initial period of adjustment, but it’s harder to understand from afar how the more serious period of culture shock may come later after you’ve superficially adjusted to life in your new country.

However, the way it’s usually drawn makes it look like a fairly natural ebb and flow, like a steady progression through stages. But there are two things that I would note:

1. Not everyone gets to the final “acceptance” stage. Some people get stalled in one of the various culture shock troughs. I read this in a “so you’re moving overseas” book before we left the US, and I will admit that it kind of freaked me out. Because I would be just the kind of person to get stalled. But I think it’s important to note that adaptation isn’t easy.

2. My personal experience is not represented by this graph. Rather, it looks a little more like this:

You are here…somewhere

This may be due to the fact that I’m only 4 (.25!) months into my expat experience, so I may not be seeing the big picture or larger pattern. But it definitely feels like these culture shock periods come much more frequently than just twice in your whole expat experience, and they’re not necessarily so prolonged. The whole experience feels much more up and down rather than smoothly curving through sequential stages. I feel like I go through one whole cycle of this maybe once a month.

Also, I don’t think that these two states are mutually exclusive. I can be in the throws of a serious homesick binge when we have a good day and learn something really cool about our host country. Or I can feel like things are going fine when something happens and I feel like I’ve fallen back a couple steps.

So while the culture shock curve is a very helpful graph in introducing future expats and their families back home to the fact that there are multiple moments of culture shock and that adaptation is hard and may not come easily or right away, I think it’s a little too simplified. And as an expat who’s read many many articles about this “normal” curve, it’s starting to get a little annoying.

Not every expat’s journey looks like that. Your journey and how you handle the experience of moving abroad is very personal and unique. Comparing yourself to some standard of normal – or to what other expats are doing or feeling – can sometimes be more harmful than helpful. Just have faith in yourself and your ability to grow and adapt. Know that you will get there someday in your own time in your own way. Or you will go home, and that will be OK, too, because this is your journey.

Onward and Upward

Image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/deeplifequotes/9234687128/

So from my last post, many of you smart and observant readers may have deduced that I’ve been feeling a bit homesick lately. It’s about the right time for it. Actually, 4-5 months is about when trailing spouses begin to feel a bit lost in their new home. (So what if I’m a bit ahead of schedule. My parents always told me I was advanced for my age…)

{ A small aside: a trailing spouse is the spouse that follows their partner overseas on a work/study assignment, often leaving behind their own employment. That’s me! Interestingly, there’s quite a lot of research out there that shows that the success of the expat assignment often rests on the happiness of the trailing spouse, as she – or he! – usually absorbs much of the stress of moving abroad. }

After about 4-6 months, the honeymoon period of your move is over, things have gotten settled, all the boxes have been unpacked, and all of sudden you have a new life without a routine, without a job, and without anything that made up your life before. This is when the trailing spouse has to really put in some hard work to make a new routine and essentially build a new life from scratch.

So, I’ve been wallowing a bit on my sick couch as I considered that hard work. To be fair, I’ve been sick for 11 days now, so some wallowing was called for. But Brian and I had a talk last night, and, as usual, he’s given me back the perspective I so easily lose. He reminded me of all the things I’ve been doing well, which can be hard for me to see sometimes, in the three short months that we’ve been in Denmark. He also reminded me that all of my stuck feelings cropped up about the time that my life was totally consumed by Danish lessons.

So after some discussion and slight soul searching, I’ve decided to quit wallowing and move forward! Or at least to try my best to do so. It also helps that I’m finally starting to feel a bit better. I can actually get off of the couch and help cook dinner! And I was able to do a load of laundry! Hurray!

I am seriously considering, though, downgrading the intensity of my Danish lessons after I finish Module 1 in November. I just feel like I had all these things I planned to do now that I am without job. You know, the things you always say you’re going to do but never have time for because you work for a living. That was one of the big perks for me of coming to Denmark, that I would finally have time to do some of them while I contemplated entering the Danish job market. But with language class every day, that all kind of fell by the wayside. And yeah it’s important to learn Danish, but let’s be real, I’m never going to be very good at Danish, or at least not in 3 years. Realistically, I’d like to learn enough to help me get around and get along. And no matter how much Danish I learn I’m still most likely going to be speaking English to any Danish person I meet. That’s what every person I’ve met has told me. Literally, we met an expat married to a Danish woman with Danish children who still speaks English with everyone, including his wife! So I may switch to night classes for Module 2. I haven’t fully decided yet, but I’d like to have some time for some other things while we’re here, and since I’m pretty sure this isn’t a permanent move for us, I think that’s the best decision.

So now that I’m well again, Brian and I can finally get our butts to IKEA and get some dining room chairs so we can start having people over! Stay tuned for why I am seriously intimidated by the cooking prowess of Brian’s Danish colleagues and why I’m sort of dreading cooking for them with my very limited cooking skills. (Ummm, pasta with store bought pasta sauce, anyone?)

Home Sweet Home

Photo from Kristina Alexanderson via http://www.flickr.com/photos/kalexanderson/5884796087/

I’ve dealt with homesickness since I first went away to camp for a week in 6th grade. It was the longest I’d ever been away from home, and I was not prepared. That first time, I thought something was really wrong. I felt sick to my stomach constantly and spent most of my time in the nurse’s office. I had no idea I was “just” homesick until I was home and recovering. I hadn’t really missed my parents or my house so much. I had just felt awful.

According to this CNN article, “homesickness isn’t necessarily about home. And neither is it exactly an illness…Instead, it stems from our instinctive need for love, protection and security — feelings and qualities usually associated with home…When these qualities aren’t present in a new environment, we begin to long for them — and hence home.”

I may be older, but I still get homesick. Usually, it comes in waves. I’ll be totally fine one day and unexpectedly bereft the next. But like the article says, the feeling doesn’t have anything to do specifically with the home Brian and I left. I don’t specifically miss the house we sold to come to Denmark, or our favorite restaurants, or seeing the Arch in the distance. (Oh, but I do desperately miss Target. We live in the city center, and there’s just no big, all purpose store where I can get towels, lamps, shampoo, groceries, and medicine at the same time. I really miss that.)

It’s more that I miss being sure of my surroundings, knowing where everything is and the best way to get there. I miss my job and my coworkers, even though back at home you’d find me complaining about having to get up and go to work every day. I miss my routine and knowing my place and purpose. I miss the familiar.

Part of the problem is probably that I’m not sure what I want to do here in Aarhus, I’m not sure what my new routine should be. Should I try to find a new job? My life has always been focused on work. Even while I was at school I was working, and I’ve rarely – never? – been between jobs but rather always went from one job to the next. But here in Denmark, finding a job is going to be 10x more difficult than in the US, and I have so many other options. I could volunteer. I could pursue another degree. I could focus on Danish lessons. I could plan trips across the globe. I could write the next great American novel. I could become the best expat blogger on the interwebs!

Or perhaps I’m still holding back from fully accepting my new life in Denmark. Perhaps it’s just now hitting me that, no, this is not a prolonged vacation but rather my new reality. It’s a known fact here in our house that I’m slow to warm up to things, and I may still be warming up to my individual, independent experience here in Aarhus.

This week, homesickness has hit me because I’ve caught a cold and have been laying on the couch all week watching American movies. There’s nothing like being sick to make you miss the familiar, especially knowing where to buy cold medicines and which ones to buy! We also just found out that our first niece is about to be born back home! We’re so excited, but it’s a huge bummer that we can’t be there to greet her in person.

The good thing is that I’m here with someone whom I love, my husband and family, which makes the whole experience a thousand times easier. And what I miss most – familiarity – will come. I know that all I need is time and perspective. The latter I get in spades from Brian who, I’m pretty sure, has never been homesick in his life. He adapts too well and is very good at living in the moment. A natural zen master. The former will come naturally. I just have to trust in the process and remember what it’s like to get through homesickness to what lays on the other side.

The summer of 7th grade I went back to summer camp, and I had the best time ever. The camp hadn’t changed at all. I even went with the same people. The only difference was in me.